A substance-free psychedelic trip

Oh hey beautiful!

I don't know about you, but these summer vibes have me smiling from ear to ear!

The past week has been nothing short of the twilight zone. In fact, my life has felt like I've been hopping from one alternate dimension to the next; it's pretty groovy. I'm gonna tell you how you can create your own substance-free psychedelic trip. Ya ready?!

It all has to do with how we CHOOSE to relate to others. That's right, how we relate to and perceive others is our CHOICE.

Let's take one of the deepest, most complex dynamics: the parent-child relationship. In this case, I'm referring to the relationship between my mother and I.

Now, if any of you know my mom, then you know (or may perceive her to be) a real character, the life of the party, a "hoot and a half..." Yes, I view her this way too. I also view her as "my mother," which comes with all of it's own created meaning, like: the woman who knows how to push my buttons and whose buttons I know how to push, the woman that always asks questions about my financial status, the woman who loves and cares for me deeply, even if I choose to think otherwise, and on and on.

Take a moment to consider how you view your parents or someone with whom you have a close relationship. What things do you think you already know about how this person is?

I thought I knew a lot of things about how my mom "is." I'd make statements in my head like "Ugh. That's just the way she is," or "she always does that," or "I know she'll say this..."

While she may have confirmed my beliefs of her on some occasions, having such stuck beliefs about my mom wasn't allowing me to view her as someone other than "my mother," which is a character I cast for her with predetermined lines, characteristics, qualities, etc.

Who I wasn't seeing her as was a woman, with her own life: her own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences.

It was a recent trip to Maine with mom and some awesome friends that opened up a whole new way of relating. It was on this trip that I got to take a step back from viewing my mother as my mother and seeing her as an individual with hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, concerns - some separate from and some related to me.

In these moments, I realized that I get to CHOOSE how I view my mother, what I see in her, what kinds of things I listen for when she speaks, how I describe her, how I interact with her, and I perceive she feels about me.

That weekend, I chose to feel her deep, relentless, undying, love for me. It was in that choice that had me feeling connected to my mom in a way I'd never felt connected before.

I'm having emotional response as I type this now. What is this new place?! I'm still sitting in the same apartment, typing this email on the same laptop, looking the same as I did yesterday...yet, it also feels as if I've stepped into an entirely new world; that's the psychedelic nature of this.

I did nothing except choose to see to my mom in a different way. In doing so, I opened a new realm of possibility for how she and I relate to one another.

Is there someone in your life that you'd like to perceive differently, such that this new perception could lead to a deepening of intimacy, love, and connection?

Yeah. All the feels. Get in here and give me a (virtual) hug! ️

Playing a game when we don't know the rules: masculine & feminine energy

Have you ever stopped to think that you're playing a game you might not know the rules to? 

Relationship is the biggest game on the planet and most of us don't know the rules. We therefore don't know how to play successfully and with ease. 1

What do I mean by this? 

From whom did you learn "the rules" of relationship, that is, how to relate to yourself, others, and everything around you? Are your rules yours or were they passed down to you from someone or somewhere else? 

Most of us learned how to relate to others and the world from family, organized religion, society, etc. While we may have learned valuable things from each of these bodies, what most of us did not learn was the foundational concept of masculine and feminine energy. 

When I refer to masculine and feminine energy, I'm not referring to the genders of male and female, I'm referring to an expression of qualities. While men tend to express more masculine energy and women tend to express more feminine energy, we all possess and express both, with either energy being our leading energy. 

Pause. Take a moment to think about your qualities as I briefly describe some of the attributes of the masculine and feminine. (Note: this is only a partial list; I think you'll get the point). 

Masculine - Linear, direct/projective, focused, logical, assertive, discipline, courageous,

Feminine - Non-linear,  surrender/receptive, flowing, emotional/intuitive, nurturing, creative, unconditional love


Do the qualities in one of these columns sound more like you? Do you possess qualities in both columns? Does possessing qualities in both columns make you any more or less of the gender you identify with? 

The rules we've been taught about how men and women "should" be have us boxed in and confined to a set of gender norms that cease to acknowledge that we are all a mix of masculine and feminine energies. 

Understanding the nature of masculine and feminine energy and allowing space for both sides to exist can allow us to feel more authentic, self-expressed, and balanced. 

This week, I invite you to take a look at which qualities feel most natural for you. I also invite you to question what "natural" means to you. Does it mean "by default" or how you were conditioned/taught to be, or does it mean, what feels most nourishing and supportive to your well-being? 

More content to come. For now, take some tiny bites and digest with ease. 🙂 

"I can't even" (How to Communicate Capacity)

Looking back on the past few weeks, I've gotta admit, I've had more than my fair share of "I can't even" moments. 

What is an "I can't even" moment? 

According to our trusted friends at Urbandictionary.com, it's the complete, sudden onset of the cessation of brain activity, brought under the presence of acute stress, which fully affects the person only a short time after it strikes them. Said person, under the duress of the symptoms, demonstrate their affliction by alerting to others that they "can't even," in reference to their inability to deal with the symptoms, or their inability to perform simple actions which have been made impossible by their afflictions.

Basically, it's a feeling of overwhelm, a lack of desire to deal with something, or a disbelief about something or someone to the extent that you "can't even" (deal with it). 

Mind you, I've also had many "I've totally got this" moments over the past few weeks as well. I, and many of us, seem to oscillate between these two momentary phenomena multiple times a day, while hitting every place in between too. 

So, what's one to do and say when one "can't even?"

In part 2 of the "A Series on Desire" workshop I led last week, this conversation came up. We explored how to communicate one's capacity to receive information. One participant, Chris, shared a verbal format that blew the minds of everyone in the room, myself included. Obviously, I took notes.

He shared that when he wants to communicate something major with his partner, he'll ask her if she's feeling resourced to receive such information. Similarly, when she's sharing something with him and he doesn't feel he has the capacity to engage in the conversation with presence, he may say something like: "I want to be present for this conversation and show up fully; I'm not feeling resourced at the moment; can we talk about this in an hour after I've had time to unwind?"

*Mind blown* It's so simple that we may wonder how such words escape us in the "I can't even" moments. What usually ends up happening in these moments is we become some variation of defensive, frustrated, non-communicative, etc. 

What I love about this format is that it has us:

  • Acknowledge the other person by stating our desire to be present and engaged with the other and what they want to share

  • Acknowledge our experience and/or lack of capacity to receive information/have a conversation in that moment

  • Agree on a new day/time to follow-up (so all parties can feel complete in the interaction)


These are super simple words that can have us showing up for ourselves and others and deepening intimacy through clear, honest communication. 

Making an unreasonable declaration

I wanna share a little about my weekend with you. You see, it wasn't your ordinary weekend...

I experienced a broad range of things that had me understand more about what it means to be human, how to function at a level that will have a greater impact in the world, what's been stopping me from having that impact already, and what to do about it. 

Over the course of the weekend, I found myself in full-on tears, in hysterical laughter, in pensive thought, in revelation, in celebration, in connection, in action, and so much more. 

You may be wondering what the hell I'm up to this time...

I'm nearly complete with my Landmark Advanced Course and it's rocking my world. Keep reading, it gets really juicy...

I'm gonna come straight out and say something that I've never declared before in such a bold way. Here's what I'm up to in my life:

I, Lee Noto, Am the possibility of sexual healing, sexual freedom, pleasure, passion, and play for the entire world...and that is who I Am!

Yes, you read that right. My intended reach is the entire freakin' planet. 

Sounds pretty grand, I know. That's exactly the point. 

You see, creating a vision so seemingly unreasonable will have me showing up as an entirely new person, someone I myself barely recognize. Someone that doesn't allow my excuses, fears, and "logical considerations" to get in the way.

If my intended reach were "a few people" or "whoever will listen" or "whoever shows up to my workshop," then the actions I'm willing to take are way different than if my intended reach is the entire world. And why shouldn't every person on this planet be who I'm aiming to serve? The point isn't whether or not I achieve this goal as much as what I'm willing to do if my intended outcome is to impact every single person. 

Do I have any idea about how I'm going to do this? Not entirely. Not even close. But, by sharing this possibility with you, I am now speaking into existence that which didn't exist as a reality for me (and the world) before. 

Let me ask you something...if you could create anything, anything at all, with no limits, what would you create? I invite you to go wild with this! What have you been dreaming of doing? What turns you on, lights you up, and sparks joy when imagine it? 

Simply imagining something as a possibility (independent of whether you "do" that thing or not), can have you taking action that's different from the action you'd normally take if you hadn't imagined that possibility in the first place.

This may feel a bit crazy, silly, or pointless but give it a try and see what comes up. I promise, you won't self-combust. 

Fears, Needs, Desires, Assumptions

If you were sitting where I'm sitting right now, you'd be in bed with me, looking out of a window at a luscious green tree against a clear blue sky filled with sunlight, listening to birds chirp, and feeling the heat of the rays spill in through the window and across the bed...I forget that I'm in Brooklyn sometimes. It's moments like this that have me feeling intimacy with myself, which serves how I show up to hold space around intimacy for others. 

As an intimacy coach, I get to talk to people all the time about their relationships (romantic and non), their sex lives (or lack thereof), what brings them pleasure, their fears, etc. 

What I've noticed is that all the people I've spoken with have a strong desire to get to the bottom what's "not working" in order to create workability in their relationships (to self and others), they just seem to get stuck somewhere.

Coincidentally (or not), the "getting stuck" usually happens at the same place: trying to figure out how they feel, what they want, and how to communicate it. 

Many of us dream up scenarios of what love could look and feel like. Some of us may have a goal or intended outcome in mind around our "perfect" partner, or the ideal kind of relationship to have with a parent, sibling, child, etc. 

So what stops us from creating all of that right now? 

I don't have a definitive answer, however, I can say I've observed a few things that get in the way:

  • Living in a place of fear and/or not acknowledging underlying fears that operate in the background

  • Lack of clarity/communication about one's needs (foundational needs that would have one feeling safe)

  • Lack of clarity around desires and/or a sole focus on desire as the "answer to everything"

  • Lack of awareness around assumptions being made about self, other, and the relationship 


If you know me at all, then you might know that I LOVE providing easy formats and templates for people to use. So, ya ready? Here it is:

  • Fears

  • Needs

  • Desires

  • Assumptions 


I've shared this with countless people as an easy way to journal/reflect on a particular scenario/relationship. 

  • What is it you fear? (list them all out and be really honest)!

  • What is it you need? (what are your basic needs that must be met in order for the relationship to thrive)?

  • What are you desires? (what would you like to create in the relationship)?

  • What are your assumptions? (what assumptions might you have about yourself, the other, the relationship, i.e. what do you think you already have the answer to without ever having asked the question)?


That's it! Simple, right?! 

Not only can this format help you create clarity, it can also provide a clear message that you're able to share with others without going off on tangents about past events, self-deprecation, blame, etc. 

I invite you to give it try. You may decide to keep the information to yourself, you may decide to share it. Whatever you choose, I hope that it supports you in creating more workability and joy in your relationships.

I've been scared sh*tless to say this

Yo. Hey. Hiya. How are ya?!


I really wish you could see my expression right now: I'm pursing my lips, nodding my head, raising my eyebrows, and pacing around with my hands held behind my back as if I have everything "under control."


Hah! What a farse! I have way less under control than it appears; isn't that how we're all walking around? 


In fact, are we not all walking around scared shitless that someone is going to see right through us, see us at our core, see us for who we really are...then reject us or take away their love? 


So what do we do to avoid having that happen? We hide. We cover ourselves up by throwing on emotional armor. This emotional armor looks a little different for each person, the way a family crest on actual armor would look different for each family (cue scene from Game of Thrones). :p


Here's how my armor usually appears...it doesn't. This can be the trickiest armor of all - the kind that seems as if it's non-existent, yet is there creating an invisible barrier to deep intimacy and true connection. 


My closest friends and family have been noticing my armor lately...and they've called me out on it; thank God! 


They've asked me: "What are you so afraid of by putting yourself out there, by sharing your message with the world? Are you afraid of failing? Are you afraid of looking a certain way? What's there for you?"


Well folks, here it is: I've been scared out of my mind to really put myself out there - to share my message unapologetically and often, to be seen on video, to post consistently, etc. 


Why?


If I really put myself out there and it doesn't go "according to plan" (whatever that means), they I've really "failed" (whatever that means). Now that I'm typing this, it seems a bit ridiculous, but this is really what happens in our brains. I invite you to take a peek and see where this might be happening for you - the undefined "failures" that may not exist if you actually try to define them.


Here's what I want to share:I am feeling deeply called right now to guide people toward deeper intimacy with self and others, with a special focus on guiding women toward radical self-expression and sexual freedom. (Know any women that would benefit from this type of work? Send them my way)!


There, I said it! That's my charge...and it's okay if that morphs and shifts and changes over time. None of this is static or set in stone. I say this as much for myself as I do for you. We are ever-changing beings. While focus is important, so too is following your excitement and good-feeling sensations in the body. And right now, I'm feeling mighty excited! 


What are you feeling excited about today or in general? Can you create some time to do more of that thing or be with that person or experience more often? 


How would the trajectory of your day, week, month, year, life, shift if you allowed yourself to follow the good-feeling feelings? (The sensations in the body that let you know you're in alignment with joy, happiness, abundance, and bliss).


I'll leave ya with all that juiciness. ❤️

Is it wrong to...?

I'm coming to you inspired, refreshed, and tan as heck on this Monday! 😄

I just returned from a 5-day wellness retreat for women entrepreneurs (WE), thanks to my coach, Paulina Lopez, founder of the Business of WE


During this retreat, I had the great pleasure and honor to facilitate beachfront sessions each morning, which incorporated meditation, breath work, yoga, and you guessed it: deep work around intimacy!

I got to witness women connect to parts of themselves that they've be longing to remember. I got to hold space for women to have massive breakthroughs, and I got to participate in conversation that allowed women to create clear action steps so they can stay accountable for their growth in these areas. I also got to be one of these women. ❤️ 


While I could share the stories of countless impactful conversations, one really stood out to me. 


One woman asked: "Lee, is it wrong that when I fantasize, I think about being with two men other than my husband?" My immediate question back was: "At the same time?!" (I was secretly hoping she'd say yes :p). 


After I reeled myself in and we had a good laugh, I sat with her question. Some time later, I said to her: "Tell me what you mean by wrong?" She immediately saw where I was going with this. I shared my belief that there is no "right" or "wrong," there's only what feels "in alignment" or "out of alignment." (Note:  In this conversation, I am not addressing the agreement that she and her husband made around their marriage, I'm simply asking questions about what feels internally aligned for her). 


I then said, what if we replace your original question with "Do I feel pleasure when I have this thought?" or "Do I feel joy when I have this thought?" Her face lit up with realization and an already knowing of her answer. 


As I felt this resonance in her, she acknowledged that our natural state as humans is a state of bliss. Our bodies will naturally seek pleasure, bliss, happiness and joy, even though we've been conditioned to pile on the fear and doubt. 


I shared that the feeling of authentic joy is the path led by our hearts. Following this feeling gives us information about who we are at our core. 


Many times, we find ourselves doing things because "we should be" or because "so and so is doing it" or because "we're at the age to..." blah blah blah. 


Yet, we already have the answers to the questions we seek around what will have us fulfilling our highest, truest purpose. 


Sure, the answers our hearts have for us may not be the "popular" ones all the time, yet, I suspect that they will be the ones that have us feeling the happiest and most fulfilled. 


With that, I ask YOU, beautiful person reading this email: 

  • Where in your life have you created judgement: a "right/wrong" or "should/shouldn't" scenario?

  • Have you been asking questions like: "what brings me most joy?"

  • What kinds of signs has your body given you about the dreams/desires you've put on layaway?

  • What, if anything, has slowed you down or stopped you from taking action on the things you know bring you most joy? 


These questions surely ain't for the faint of heart, yet, they're necessary for following your heart. 

Chill Motherf*cker. Let that Sh*t Go!

I really wish you could hear the tone in my head when I create some of these posts, especially this one. (Hint: it's very playful). 

I realize that some of my messaging may strike a chord...good! 

If it does, I invite you to sit with that feeling.

If it doesn't, maybe you're just as whacky as I am. 😛

Either way, I hope these posts inspire some thought, feeling, and a good laugh. 

---

This past week, I've been pondering on letting things be what they are, both in general, and in relationship.

Man oh man, has life been so much more easeful!


It's this inquiry that inspired the subject for this post: "Chill, mother*cker. Let that sh*t go!"


In the past week, I've felt: joyful, fearful, excited, vulnerable, energetic, frustrated, powerful, stressed, optimistic...just to name a few. 


Humor me for a second. Think back on the past week. What are some of the emotions you felt? (Refer to this handy dandy emotion wheel for ideas). 


How often do you find dissatisfaction in feeling a certain way, then try to turn that feeling into something else, something it's not? 


It's okay if the answer is "always" or "often." That was the answer for me too. 


When I realized I could let fear be what it is: fear, it freed me up to see the choice I have in how I want to relate to said feelings of fear. We can create this kind of acceptance with any emotion.  


In other words, instead of feeling fear, not liking it, and forcing it to play "dress up," attempting to make it over into something else (i.e. courage, joy, etc.), I ask myself what I want to do with this feeling: Do I want to explore it? Do I want to feel it more deeply? Do I want to allow it to diffuse? Something else?


The nuance here is in acknowledging what emotions are coming up and getting curious about them. Sometimes they change form all on their own!


For example, I experienced feelings of vulnerability in a recent interaction. Shortly after pulling away from the person because I felt some degree discomfort in the thought of really being seen, I said: "Hey I'm feeling vulnerable right now, I just want to acknowledge that." 


Presto chango! 


All I did was state what was so for me. I didn't try to turn my feelings into something else or over explain why they were there. The feelings got to be what they were. As a result, I got to build intimacy with myself and this other person. And, low and behold, the feeling of discomfort continued for a bit, then diffused. 


The point I'm trying to make is that this is possible for you, too! But maybe you already knew this?!


The language is simple. "I'm feeling ______." or "I'm experiencing _____." 


Say the words and see what happens. There's nothing else to do and no more effort needed. 


Then of course contact me and let me know how it went! 😛