If you were sitting where I'm sitting right now, you'd be in bed with me, looking out of a window at a luscious green tree against a clear blue sky filled with sunlight, listening to birds chirp, and feeling the heat of the rays spill in through the window and across the bed...I forget that I'm in Brooklyn sometimes. It's moments like this that have me feeling intimacy with myself, which serves how I show up to hold space around intimacy for others.
As an intimacy coach, I get to talk to people all the time about their relationships (romantic and non), their sex lives (or lack thereof), what brings them pleasure, their fears, etc.
What I've noticed is that all the people I've spoken with have a strong desire to get to the bottom what's "not working" in order to create workability in their relationships (to self and others), they just seem to get stuck somewhere.
Coincidentally (or not), the "getting stuck" usually happens at the same place: trying to figure out how they feel, what they want, and how to communicate it.
Many of us dream up scenarios of what love could look and feel like. Some of us may have a goal or intended outcome in mind around our "perfect" partner, or the ideal kind of relationship to have with a parent, sibling, child, etc.
So what stops us from creating all of that right now?
I don't have a definitive answer, however, I can say I've observed a few things that get in the way:
Living in a place of fear and/or not acknowledging underlying fears that operate in the background
Lack of clarity/communication about one's needs (foundational needs that would have one feeling safe)
Lack of clarity around desires and/or a sole focus on desire as the "answer to everything"
Lack of awareness around assumptions being made about self, other, and the relationship
If you know me at all, then you might know that I LOVE providing easy formats and templates for people to use. So, ya ready? Here it is:
I've shared this with countless people as an easy way to journal/reflect on a particular scenario/relationship.
What is it you fear? (list them all out and be really honest)!
What is it you need? (what are your basic needs that must be met in order for the relationship to thrive)?
What are you desires? (what would you like to create in the relationship)?
What are your assumptions? (what assumptions might you have about yourself, the other, the relationship, i.e. what do you think you already have the answer to without ever having asked the question)?
That's it! Simple, right?!
Not only can this format help you create clarity, it can also provide a clear message that you're able to share with others without going off on tangents about past events, self-deprecation, blame, etc.
I invite you to give it try. You may decide to keep the information to yourself, you may decide to share it. Whatever you choose, I hope that it supports you in creating more workability and joy in your relationships.