Let me start by saying that I AM NOT choosing celibacy forever, just for a short period. Believe me, I love sexy time just as much as the next person!
It all started about a month ago when I had some MAJOR breakthroughs. For most of my life, I confused sexuality and intimacy. Can anyone relate??
That is, I created an inextricable link between the two. Of course they can come hand in hand, but they don’t have to. There can be sexuality without true intimacy (not a preferable choice for me, even though I’ve chosen it) and there can be deep intimacy without sexuality (even with someone you’re attracted to).
As I explored facets of desire over the last month, I realized that I was in a holding pattern: feel desire, release or express it, feel “better” (maybe), rinse, repeat.
I had become habituated to “needing” to release or express my desires, whether on my own, toward, or with someone else. This might have been escaping in my mind to sexual fantasy land, self-pleasure, texting someone to strike up sexy convo, or engaging with someone physically.
Then, it dawned on me! I’ve been misplacing my energy on this seeming need to release and express! It’s not that I was doing anything “wrong” or “bad,” just simply that I wasn’t being as intentional as I could with my time and energy. And, as a result, I often times found myself distracted, scattered, and exhausted.
Thus, I decided to take everything OFF the table, so that I could reintroduce options one by one, almost like a fast.
I reached out to anyone I was romantically involved with and/or in flirtatious conversation with and created boundaries. I said “I’m on a personal journey and for some period of time, I’m going to be stepping back from sexual conversation and activity. I’d really appreciate if you honored my boundaries.”
It went over well with each person I reached out to. I felt expressed (in a new way), seen, heard, and respected. What a breakthrough!
As I’ve choicefully practiced celibacy over the last month, I’ve felt greater productivity in my work, a deeper focus on self, more time in the day, and ways to explore my sexuality as a solo journeyer. I’m not saying this is what everyone “should” do, however, it was a powerful choice for me.
I feel empowered in this because I know that as I begin to engage with others again, it will be BY CHOICE. It will no longer be me eating food off the metaphorical table just because it’s there. It’s me, CHOOSING to bring food back on to the table because it feels nourishing and supportive. Now doesn’t that make for the most delicious meal ever?!
All of this to say, I honor and love the flow of my sexual energy. I do not wish to deprive myself (or choosing suitors) of its beauty and power. This month has shown me new sides of myself - sides that allow me to show up more dynamically in my work and in my personal life. For this, I’m grateful!